Everyone experiences things on their own path. Intense events that have an impact at that moment and also influence how you view life and who you are.
These could be events in your youth, such as your parents’ divorce or a difficult period at school. In your adult life, this could be a nearby illness or death, a burnout, a partner leaving you, a dismissal at work or a coming out.
Such an event can lead to an identification, such as with a profession, that you (forced) leave behind at a certain point. Or you have an idea about yourself (which may also be triggered by an event) that you are shy, selfish or don’t like going out. The question is whether this is really correct and always applies.
These events create a story about yourself, who you are or actually, who you think you are with the associated assumptions about yourself. What can happen is that you take this story into the connections and the things that you create and enter into.
You are not your story
To truly move freely in your life and be who you really are, it is essential to move beyond this story. You are not those events. Who you really are lies on a deeper level. To get there, it is important to have a good overview of your events and to process them.
Parallel to this is also that you retest assumptions about yourself. Is it true that you are someone who has a somewhat difficult or searching approach to life, is easily irritated or was something bothering you? It may be that you have created things that do not suit you very well, such as a job or partner. , which creates a certain assumption about yourself.
Moving through the pain, sadness and anger of those past events is healing and liberating. To really process this properly you need a knowing witness. This is someone who listens to you without judgment and receives you in what lives inside you. This could be a care provider or someone close to you with whom you feel safe. Healing can take place in the real contact and presence of the other.
Letting go of the story about yourself
Then there comes a time when you can shake the story off. What happened has been given a place. You experience that you can let go of the story about yourself, which brings you closer to yourself. The assumptions about yourself also fade more into the background. You will become more consistent with who you really are. You become more authentic. From there you can really meet the other person and deeper and more satisfying connections can arise.
An example
Sanne was ill a lot in her youth and as an adult she also struggled with psychological complaints and was hospitalized for a period. This has been a charged topic for her for a long time and it has also defined her.
Her story about herself is that she is ‘Sanne with psychological complaints, struggling with life and with an admission to an institution’. This is how she experiences herself and she also takes this story with her in everything she undertakes and in the connections she makes.
She also has some assumptions about herself, such as that she is heavy-handed, not very social and not very active.
She seeks help from various care providers and starts talking to friends about what this period has been like for her. This way she gains insight into herself and her patterns and she starts to feel emotions.
After a period she feels that the story has come full circle and she notices that she wants and can let it go. She experiences that she is more than her story about herself and lets go of a number of assumptions about herself. She notices that she can relax more and be more normal. And she notices that she can and dares to be more herself in contact with others. This has a major positive impact on her life.