We all have things we avoid in our lives. You once started to shy away from such an activity or issue and have since decided not to do it anymore. This seems quite innocent at first glance, but at a deeper level things can come into play that can also be detrimental to yourself. In this blog I explain how this works and that by bypassing something you can also bypass something within yourself.
What are you shying away from?
I shy away from small spaces, I am claustrophobic and systematically avoid elevators in my life. I don’t like being in the elevator with someone either, but I find it very unpleasant alone. What’s going on is that I’m afraid that the elevator will stop and that I will be locked in and not be able to get out. So there is fear of what is to come and the idea makes me feel anxious. I also don’t always like toilets, especially certain locks that are stiff. Very annoying, because then your visit to the toilet is hasty, which gives you a tense feeling.
I recently broke through this, and actually because I experienced that I was fed up with it. It caused so much tension that I didn’t do it, so I just got into the elevator. First with two people close to me and then alone.
What bothered me most was that I felt that somewhere I was denying myself. I couldn’t cope with myself in a small space. And I didn’t want that anymore.
In addition to the practical gains this gave me, it also gave me a positive feeling about myself. By not avoiding it, I get closer to myself.
What else can you shy away from?
What can you shy away from and avoid?
- You can systematically avoid a charged topic, so something is not put on the table. For example, someone is homosexual or there is a serious illness that you do not mention
- You always take a detour because you don’t want to encounter a certain thing or someone. For example, a difficult intersection or a person with whom you have had a conflict in the past.
- You may structurally avoid a certain job because you think you are not strong enough or not handy enough.
What is going on at a deeper level?
You always do something to yourself when you avoid something, this could be:
- At a deeper level you can give yourself the message that you cannot do something, you are not strong enough or not handy enough.
- You can’t really put up with everything who you are or what you feel. In the example of my claustrophobia, I couldn’t stand being alone with my tightness or feeling of being trapped. However, this turned out not to be the case at all in practice. And the fear of something increases, precisely because you avoid something.
How can you deal with this well?
First of all, it is important that you realize what you are avoiding and that you become aware of this. You can then start investigating yourself, why you are doing this and whether this is current (in other words, is there a fear underneath that is no longer an issue at all).
Then you can see if you can do it sometime. For example, working with someone first or watching closely how others do it. If you have an issue that you are avoiding, it is necessary to muster up the courage to raise the issue. This often has a liberating effect and in practice it often works that it becomes easier to talk openly afterwards.