In my coaching practice, the theme of loss and grief comes up regularly. This could, for example, be the death of a loved one, the loss of a job or the break-up of a love affair.
What is essential is to dare to feel and live through the pain of loss and to move on with your life. What you can support is the view on grief of the American psychiatrist William Worden. He has developed a theory about grief, called ‘grief work’, in which you actively work on 4 so-called grief tasks.
What often happens is that an experience of loss can also release old pain. This pain has been suppressed in the past and also wants to be felt. It is essential that this pain is also given space.
It can be very difficult to allow these emotions, but suppressing pain can literally make you sick and you don’t really look at life. You can end up in a flattening of emotions, where everything seems to be going well, but you no longer really feel it.
The stages of grief, which are well known, are different from the tasks of grief, as the stages of grief imply that time actually does its work and that things pass on their own. In the mourning process you really take action yourself.
The great thing about the mourning tasks is also the perspective that is available. After really looking at and experiencing the pain, there is an adjustment to the new reality. There will gradually be room to learn to enjoy yourself again and there really is room for your memories.
It is essential that you do not move on too quickly, because the grief can then become dormant and a burnout lurks. By not forcing yourself, you also naturally create space to get moving and pick up the thread again.
The 4 mourning tasks are:
- Seeing that a loss has occurred and also clarifying for yourself how this could have happened.
- Feeling and living through the pain, such as sadness or anger. Often old pain is also released here, which touches on the feeling of loss. Especially if you have had a deep heart connection with each other, whatever has opened you up, unprocessed emotions can be released.
- Adapt to the new reality
- Remembering and being able to enjoy it again
Example of the mourning tasks for the loss of a love relationship:
- Seeing that the love relationship is over and you are no longer together. It is also important that you get an answer to the question of what is going on and what led to the breakup.
- Feeling the pain of loss and allowing the sadness of no longer being in each other’s lives. The loss of making plans together or having a future together. In this phase it is important to create a foundation in self-care, such as the small things of keeping your house tidy, eating healthy and going outside and exercising every day. Telling your story to others is also important, even if you just say that you are sad. You can tell your story about the breakup with intimate friends.
- Start shaping your life without a partner. For example, you go out alone on the weekend or you come up with your own routine of waking up alone in the morning or going to sleep. For example, you can book a holiday alone or you can actively work with a personal coach.
- Remembering and being able to enjoy it again. You enjoy a day out with friends or sitting alone on a terrace with a cappuccino. The memories of the relationship that is over may be there, they pop up and that’s okay.